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Exclusive Bin Laden News


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———- Forwarded message ———-
From: borowitzreport.com <andy@borowitzreport.com>
Date: Mon, May 2, 2011 at 10:15 AM
Subject: Exclusive Bin Laden News

TIME Magazine Ranks Borowitz Report #1 in its Best of Twitter
Borowitz Report
   
May 2, 2011

2012 Election Cancelled

Obama Buoyed by 100 Percent Approval Rating

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what historians are calling an unprecedented development in American politics, both major parties decided today to cancel the 2012 election.

The decision to scrap the 2012 contest came on the heels of a new poll showing President Barack Obama with an approval rating of one hundred percent, believed to be a record high for an American president.

Mr. Obama even polled well among Republicans, with a majority of GOP voters agreeing with the statement, “I no longer care that he wasn’t born here.”

The new bipartisan spirit sweeping the nation was captured well by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who tearfully told reporters, “This is a great day for America… oh, leave me alone, goddamn it.”

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump made no official announcement, but sources said he was considering running for Prime Minister of Canada.

The cancellation of the election comes in the aftermath of the death of Osama bin Laden, whose last words reportedly were, “I knew I shouldn’t have signed up for Foursquare.”

Of all the major news networks, Fox News did not report news of bin Laden’s death, saying that it would air cartoons “until further notice.”

In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi issued the following official statement: “Uh-oh.”

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il said this: “I have lost my last friend on Facebook.”

And in Wasilla, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said this: “We must find and kill Osama bin Laden.”

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